Tuesday 9th February 1988

Fay and Andrew Quince are in love so much for my girlfriend! I've thought about Boris and Oscar. Lizzy thought of Blacky and Ginger. They're the only things that happened today. It is Kelly's birthday today.

I am entirely unsure whether the relationships that Fay seems to fall in and out of are not just in my head. It seems wrong.

The names are the guinea pig suggestions, in case you were wondering.

Never mentioned Kelly before have I? Not sure why that is, but remember the name for later...

Monday 8th February 1988

“Ouch”! I've had the rest of my verucca taken off today if you want to know what the nurse did see monday 25^th January. 6 days to go!!!!! Fay said she isn't sending any cards out but I think she's just saying that so if I get one from her I won't know who its from didn't go to Judo tonight because of my verucca. Good news I’m getting two male guinea pigs (both long haired) one black one and one ginger they haven't got any names yet so I’ll be thinking about that I might put some in this diary.

Poor delusional little lad. The ups and downs of whether Fay and I are ever going to get married seem to be the theme that runs through this diary so far... spoiler alert! I didn't marry her. It strikes me that although now my best friends would say that I live my life out loud, I really do keep quite a lot in. This diary is testament to the fact that if I were to vocalise every thought I had, I imagine most people would have stopped talking to me by now. I’m not saying I still think like this but I can still just about identify with where I was coming from... just about. I’m not convinced I believed myself but in this diary it kinda seems like I was writing it for someone else – as evidenced by the 'see monday the 25^th January' bit.

Have I ever mentioned judo before? Didn't think so. I’m weird. Oh and you will not believe how many suggestions/ideas for names for the guinea pigs are in the entries ahead...

Sunday 7th February 1988

Auntie Joyce Grandad and Auntie Em came today and I played on my computer at chuckie egg and Arcadians they were the only things that happened today apart from I went to church and after I played with my radio controlled car outside.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! You're a retard! If you really feel like nothing happened, try doing a bit more! Even if these were 'the only things' that happened I’m sure there's a story in there somewhere. Aunty Joyce was cool, Grandad (not my real grandad, he was in his 90s and was my Aunty Joyce(not my real aunty... sorry...)'s dad) was fruppin hilarious. Where did I play with my car? What the hecking cup is Arcadians?

Saturday 6th February 1988

Comic relief raised over 10 million pounds!!! Nothing much happened today apart from we went to Pamela and Matthews. 8 days to go I don't think I’m going to make it!

Are you beginning to see where I got the name of the blog? Nothing much happened today apart from... Pamela and Matthew were loads of fun to be around, Matthew and I used to watch Star Wars ep IV on Betamax every time we went to their house, and we pretty much always used to play hide and seek amongst many other games... it was always a proper laugh and I loved going there... I just wish I had the foresight to actually make this diary an actual note of events that would otherwise go unrecorded. Instead you get a fact that you can look up on the interwebs. No one needs to know what Comic Relief 88 made on the night, tell me about what made you nearly wet yourself laughing about!

I’m beginning to get weirded out by the countdown to Valentine's day. I've read ahead and I know what's going to happen...

Rednoseday Friday 5th February 1988

It's 1.30am so i'm not writing much just Comic relief was quite good and so was racing club

Dear Jebus boy! What is the matter with you? Build up to something and then forget/neglect entirely to talk about it! Really I have nothing to offer. I’m guessing that by 1.30am it started to get a bit rude on Comic Relief and therefore I was either ushered to bed, or went of my own volition as I was a bit embarrassed.

Thursday 4th February 1988

10 days to go!!! We are going to have a “theatre” coming tomorrow I am writing about it today because I will be staying up until about 3.00am Saturday morning because comic relief is on tomorrow night can't wait to See Andy Crane going into the Gunktank. Stopping now because I want to get my sleep because of tomorrow night.

Remember Andy Crane?   

and an interview mentioning the gunge tank here

I love the big sentence, utterly pointless but kinda how kids talk. I do feel I've kinda cheated myself a bit with the constant saying why I have to stop writing. I really should have just done a diary every few days instead of trying to do it every night.

I think when I said “theatre”, I meant a theatre company... but we'll never know cos this is literally the only mention of it I've found so far. That there is a definite sign that some days of learning and culture were a bit wasted on me.

Wednesday 3rd February 1988

Did some quilling today it was quite good if anybody reading this doesn't know what quilling is it's rolling paper up into shapes and making patterns and pictures with them still don't know if Fay loves me or not.

Why am I so obsessed with Fay? It's annoying me now. I feel really quite bad for the little chap that was me...

the fact that I wrote the explanation of quilling is one of my favourite bits of this whole diary. It illustrates that I wanted to share this with people at some point, but if that is the case then why the diddlyheck didn't I make this a bit more flippin interesting?

Tuesday 2nd February

Oh Joy oh rapture I think Fay fancies me all because I wore my black and jade jumper everybody likes it but especially Fay. 12 days to go still wondering how many cards I'll get. Can't wait to be with my love again. I'm stopping now because my arms aching.

Dear Neil aged 10,


You have absolutely no idea how incredibly camp you are, how incredibly melodramatic and how writing how much your arm aches after waxing lyrical about 'your love' means a different thing to what you meant at the time...


Seriously little man, the phrase 'Oh joy, oh rapture' is really never going to get you anywhere is it? Apart from universally mocked on the interweb when you reach the age of 33.


I love you chap, I just wish I could have helped you back then...

Monday 1st February

Nothing much happened today apart from I went to Judo and Jaime and Garrone are in love so theres nothing much to write about apart from I made this poem when George bit me

One little bump all on its own

George just bit me

And I started to moan

nothing much happened today – get used to seeing that phrase a lot!

So, nothing apart from all the random weird things I listed... AND THE FACT THAT GEORGE THE DOG BIT ME! What an idiot I was... George was incredible, really gentle and lovely. I must have done something to really really really piss him off, or I just mis-timed something and stuck my hand in his mouth. I'll never know now...

Jaime was a girl at school... I'll tell you about her later.

Sunday 31st January

Theres hardly anything to write about today because all that really happened is Michael and Michelle came and just now on wickers world somebody was on that made toilet seats that said on them -

if you sprinkle
when you tinkle
be a sweetie
and wipe the seatie

my dad's poorly and theres only 14 days to go “gulp!”

so, there's nothing to write about... Michael and Michelle are my cousins from Macclesfield. I've not seen them for years but I remember really liking them. Michael was/is hilarious and must have done/said something that made me howl laughing but no, I decided to play it down entirely and concentrate on a small part of a Wicker's World episode about toilet seats.

And what was up with my dad? He's poorly? No other details... these things are a bit more important than how many days there are til blimmin valentine's day!

Saturday 30th January

Went to church tonight it was quite boring it was all about peace. Went to chesterfield I got a car, some sponge foam tyres for my radio controlled car and a pen other than that nothing happened today so I'm stopping now.

Only a little entry this one, but oh so telling of what my head was like. Nothing happened... getting a car when I was a little lad was a big deal! Why didn't I say what type of car? A pen? I remember getting the foam tyres for my car, they were black, replacing the weird red coloured ones I got when I got the car.

Church: Trying to get a small child interested in the Roman Catholic church is - I imagine - quite difficult. All I saw was that it meant I had to get up early on a sunday, or go out on a saturday night to sit in a hall and talk quietly... for hours. I feel bad about it cos my dad loves football and goes to church, I never got either of those things.

Friday 29th January 1988

went to racing club tonight. I came sixth in my first heat seventh in the second heat and third in the third Heat on the third heat I was only a couple of seconds from being first because the people who came first and second did the laps faster than mine we all got 20 laps in five minutes. I came 28th overall out of 50 Drivers or around that. Then we went under the stage it was dead good but it's heaven when you get out. We went under to put the track and the carpet away. 16 days to go! I hopped all the way to school all around where ever I went and back home again on the same Foot because of my verucca (every body say aah) it's quarter past eleven so I'm stopping now.

I like how I was so accurate about the numbers... 28th out of something maybe about 50... the rules of the track were fairly open to errors, I could've been a contender!

I really wish that I'd made up the fact that I hopped everywhere, I really actually did hop all around all day. I think I did it to make people feel sorry for me, and maybe to prove to my mum that I was not making it up when I said it hurt the day before.

Thursday 28th January 1988

Had the rest of my verucca taken off today and I saw the razor blade it was dead sharp it started bleeding I thought it had stopped when I put my sock back on but when we got home there was blood all over my sock and in my shoe! Nothing goes right for me. Daniel Shepherd, David Widdowson, Sarah Moffet and Corrine Leader made up this code today and instead of saying sorry you said “orrysay” and instead of hello you said “oellhay” getting neck ache again so I'll stop now.

“Nothing goes right for me” heartbreaking. I remember very clearly the journey home, about half a mile up Green Lane complaining bitterly about how much my foot hurt (I blame the nurse, she should have used a less 'dead sharp' blade) but my mum didn't believe me... my little white socks and my Adidas Samba sole were soaked in blood when I got into the hallway and my mum apologised and got me some ice cream.

Again, the names aren't changed cos we were all innocent and I think it's kinda funny how I wrote everyone's full name, I don't know why. The secret code must be a playground conciousness thing, it seeps through the cracks in the tarmac and gets everyone at some point.

Wednesday 27th January 1988

Fay doesn't love anyone!! but today we did get better half of the time we were meant to be reading we were talking to one another. My guinea pig died today mind you she was nine. Did a class assembly today everybody said they couldn't hear anybody apart from me (does that mean I've got a big mouth) Wednesday are losing 5 – 0 against Everton!!!!!! 18 days until Valentine's day it's getting closer oh no!

Yeah, you already guessed that might happen with Fay didn't you? I love the 'we did get better' bit. I was/am such a dweeb!

Now, I really liked my guinea pig, you wouldn't be able to tell by the fact that I mentioned her so many times before this entry... she was called Dandelion and I have absolutely no idea why but I got her when she was very old.

Self deprecation again, big mouth... not a clue what the assembly was about – it's that kind of thing that might have helped flesh out my diary a bit but instead I wrote about flippin football again.

Australiaday Tuesday 26th January 1988

Did two rehearsals for the assembly. I have to say five things it's all about Australia because today is Australia day it is 200 years since the first white settlers landed there. And most of them were convicts!!! I think I'm getting through to Fay I'm going to ask her tomorrow who she fancies if she says me I'll ask her what her favourite colour is and buy her some flowers that colour. And put a love letter in the paper sort of cone their in. Mum and Dad have gone out so I'm stuck with nanan.

2 things here, my nanan was ace and I loved her a lot. So why am I complaining about being 'stuck' with her? I think it's cos I wanted to be babysat by a hot local teenager instead (like all my friends at school... allegedly).

The 2^nd thing was the 'plan' maybe I could have got some tips from a young babysitter on how to pick up Fay... I think you can probably guess her answer to my most inspired question and the excellent plan that was to follow...

Oh and 'the paper sort of cone their in?' numpty.

Monday 25th January 1988

Had my verucca burnt off today this is what the nurse did she scraped the hard skin off with a razor blade and put a sort of acid on it which burnt it off and put a plaster on and a bandage so the plaster doesn't come off it is quite painful I was oohing and aaghing all the way home Wednesday are drawing 1-1 so far against Everton in the second replay 20 days to go and I still haven't got a girlfriend it's not fair!!

Phewf, I don't know if it's just me but I got out of breath reading that... one long disjointed sentence about nothing. Verrucas will be a recurring theme, I apologise for that now. I don't think the nurse actually did anything to help them, she just randomly hacked bits of my feet off.

I worry about my former self, I really do. I've always hated football, it has never mattered to me. So who was I talking to when I was recounting the Wednesday vs Everton score? I didn't care and no one has read this diary apart from me until now...

Sunday 24th January 1988

Well here I am sitting here listening to my walkman. What I've got on is quite good. I recorded it myself (how modest) it's got Stutter rap on it and this is the chorus.

Noone's ever seen what I mean

from the age of n, n, n, n, Thirteen

we've all been caught in a m, m, m, m, mouth trap

so join with us do the st, st, st, st, stutter rap

it's dead good it's by morris minor and the majors. Can't think what else to put so I'll stop now.

I'm so awesomely naïve that I think I can take credit for recording something from an LP onto a tape...

Good old Morris Minor and the Majors, Tony Hawks (a name featuring possibly the most important 's' in the world) a pastiche of some famous hip hop tunes, none of which I had heard at the time so as I grew up and listened to more hip hop, I discovered more elements they used. The album I recorded it off was my 1^st ever vinyl album, bought from Our Price in Chesterfield along with a vinyl cleaner velvet brush thing... The Greatest Hits of 1988. It had Sabrina on it.

Saturday 23rd January 1988

Went to Chesterfield today and got a model of a Ferrari Testarossa it's dead good. 22 days until Valentines day I've got to get a girlfriend before then (some chance) I really fancy Fay so I've got my eye on her hopefully she loves me. I'll stop now because it's nearly half past ten and I've got to get my beauty sleep (I need it).

Life is full of exciting things isn't it? A model of a Testarossa... I remember it being awesome because it cost something stupidly extravagant like £7.99 and it was probably the 1st toy car I got that I didn't at some point open the doors on and pretend it could fly.

Self deprecation is one of my fortes, why do I need to make some unknown reader (now you) feel sorry for me in my personal diary, surely it's a place where I could let rip with some fantastical voyages of whimsy rather than saying things like I'm ugly, why would anyone want me? Fay was pretty hot though... ;)

Friday 22nd January 1988

Woke up this morning to find therewasan inch of Snow on the ground. Went to racing club tonight couldn't race with my car because my dad Took it to work on Tuesday and left the transmitter on so the batteries had run down. Actually I'm glad that happened because the race I should have been in there was about fifteen cars all crasting into one another. Then a couple went outside with the lunch box and it was skidding round all over the place. I'm stopping now because my mum's coming.

1st off then, I need to clear up the fact that therewasan was all written without spaces so I kept it.

Racing club was radio controlled cars, I used to go every Friday night and I was really pretty good at it, my car was one of the few British made ones available (Mardave Meteor fact fans!) and although I had to put up with a few idiosyncrasies I proper enjoyed it.

The Lunch Box was a monster truck VW Beetle.

And yes, crasting was the word written, I meant crashing but then I accidentally crossed the h.

Thursday 21st January 1988

Went to Henry Fanshaw today they beat us 11-0 at netball of course they Cheated. had a scrap with Garrone he kicked me once and I hit him two times (some scrap) then we made friends and walked off. I played with my bouncy ball up and down the stairs twice it came down and hit the wall behind me and bounced off and hit me on the head. Had a downpour of snow at dinnertime Garrone just stood out there getting soaked. I think Fay and Scott have broken up (thank goodness) 24 days until valentines day wonder how many cards I'll get? Oh well no use wondering is it? Getting tired So I'll stop writing.

I'm fairly certain I made up the fact that the bouncy ball hit me twice... who the hell was I lying to? Myself? I think it hit me once...

The fight with Garonne was utterly true and remains to this day the only fight I've ever had - I can't remember what it was about though.

I don't know why I felt it necessary to say why I had to stop writing. It's my diary and I really shouldn't have to explain myself. 

wednesday 20th January 1988

Fay and Scott are in Love I think because I asked her if she does and she said “I don't know.” I forgot to say yesterday that I have a verucca. Stuart and I did this after dinner we looked out of the class window and watched everybody in the playground and then we went outside and said to them “I can tell you your Past” and told them what they were doing when we saw them and they wondered how we did it. Did the last test today it was a mathematics problem solving it was quite hard. Getting neck ache so I'll stop writing now


Can't for the life of me remember Scott. Don't you just love how I slip in the phrase 'I forgot to say yesterday that I have a verucca'? 
At the time I remember thinking that we were very very clever with the whole telling people their past thing when infact it was basically spying on folks from afar and then telling them... I remain convinced that everyone was stunned by our 'powers' though... 

Tuesday 19th January 1988

Today we did a maths test parts of it were dead hard and other parts of it were easy for instance...

How many points are Determined by the intersections

of x.y.z.

it looks hard but it's dead easy. William finished in about half the time. We did drama as well it was about escaping from a workhouse. And we had to do a terribly boring story about life in a workhouse the conditions and everything like that. Found out that Fay Hates Stuart (Secretly I think she likes me) anyway I also found out today from my mum who my valentines card was from last year it was someone called Catherine or Kathryn my nanans friends daughter. Thats it for now.


So, that's it? No 'hello, this is my new diary...' no introduction to me or anything like an explanation for any of the names included. I can't for the life of me remember what William's last name was/is. Fay and Stuart feature heavily in the diary. I might give Stu the heads-up but I have no idea where Fay is...


oh and the answer to the question?  I remember being very proud at getting it right as I'd never seen the word intersections before...


3?

an explanation...

This is something I've been meaning to do for a while now.

I have only ever kept a diary once, and that was when I was 11, and it was only for a few months. For whatever reason, this diary has managed to follow me for a long time (22 years so far) and I've not added to it even though there's plenty of space in it.

I wrote it in pencil and it's a bit faint now, rather than losing it forever - I'm going to put it up here.

I was a tool when I was little, there are names in this that I'm not changing - if anyone reads it and spots themselves, then I think that'll be awesome. There's nothing incriminating, there's plenty that's massively embarassing but I think that it's entirely upon me that the ridicule will fall. There's nothing groundbreaking, I'm not even sure there's anything in there that will raise a laugh beyond those that know me well. But I feel it's necessary to keep it somewhere.

I'm yet to post the 1st one up here, and I'm aware it'll go in reverse order so this will be at the bottom. I intend to explain things as they arise. I guess I'm going to have to do that in a different font after each entry as a conclusion.

I'm not the most organised person in the world so this post might well sit here for a very long time and have nothing to keep it company... I intend to sort it, but it's a personal project and I'm not bowing to any peer pressure... although it might be nice to get it done before we move, on the offchance it goes missing.