Shrove Tuesday Tuesday 16th February 1988

George has mated with a bitch today and I have two Guinea pigs called Boris and Oscar I had a pancake and gave a bit to George and played with Paul on our bikes and I went with mum to Mr and Mrs Cornthwaites house and got 70 pence. Oh yes the bitch George mated with was called “Tasha”.

Dear God man!

I really have very little to say, I’m exasperated with the story and exhausted due to the number of missed opportunities for sentence breaks...

Our dog was a 'semi-retired' stud dog so it wasn't a massively weird thing to have happen in our house at the time... but the matter-of-fact way I report it here kinda shocked me. What is wrong with me though? I report the tiny details of things such as giving the dog some pancake but miss the big things, things that would actually be interesting to read. Why did I get 70p? What did we do at Mr and Mrs Cornthwaite's house? They were fascinating people and I’m sure they must have told me something noteworthy that day.

The more I do this, the more I realise that maybe I should be keeping note of things that are currently happening to me, quotes of the day, conversations I've had with peeps and things I've learned. Also, feelings... all I seem to do here is lament my lack of women and say that my arm aches... what was actually happening in my head?

Monday 15th February 1988

I went to Nanan's house today and I took trena in the park she was o.k. until we got back to the house then she growled at me when we got home we Scrubbed the Guinea pig hutch out then we went to the doctors we were in and out within 10 minutes (It must be a world record) Can't wait until I get my Guinea pigs tomorrow oh yes I forgot To put we stopped off in the library on the way home I still haven't got a single Valentines card.

Big breath in! One long sentence again, I capitalised (sometimes randomly) but I forgot the tiny little dot that allows the reader to take a breath.

A fair amount of stuff happened on this day, none of it was expanded on enough for me to be able to remember. In case you're wondering, Trena (or Trina as it undoubtedly is spelled) was the little dog my Nanan owned, she was a rescue dog and hated anyone who wasn't female. My mum and me used to walk everywhere when I were a lad, we'd walk 2 miles to Lowedges (where my Nan lived) and back, so I guess I was fairly fit... and why I love driving now I guess... I wish I knew what we stopped at the library for, we used to hire videos from there (Automan a few times I seem to remember) that would have added a nice bit of necessary detail you'd think. Oh and the world record doctors trip – verrucas I presume.

Not a massive surprise I still haven't had a Valentine's card is it? Left it to the end just for the extra lump in the throat to stay with you...

St Valentines Day Sunday 14th February 1988

Guess how many cards I got? Yes you guessed right none at all but I might get some tomorrow (hopefully) Auntie Joyce, her dad and my Nanan came today but apart from that nothing happened today.

MASSIVE ANTICLIMAX

Didn't see that coming did you? Not only did I not get one from Fay (did I mention Fay? I think I did...) I didn't even get one from myself, I don't even like myself enough to do the fake one I said I was going to (to fool my mum). And for that matter, my mum didn't even get someone to do a fake one like she did the year before so I was rejected by made up people also.

Still clinging to the fact that I might get one on Monday... we'll see.

Saturday 13th February 1988

I had a nose bleed this morning, George has been sick twice and we went to Chesterfield, that's all that happened today 1 day to go!!!!!!

For flips sake! This is possibly the most newsworthy day so far in this terrible series of dull events and it gets 2 whole lines. George was the dog by the way.

We went to Chesterfield quite a lot, I went there a few weeks ago and it's entirely different but exactly the same if you know what I mean.

Friday 12th February 1988

we broke up from school today for a week “YIPPEE!!”

I think Fay loves me because Katie was doing sign language to her and I know what it meant. It meant do you love Neil and Fay nodded her head. I'll just have to see if she does on sunday (I hope she does) 2 days to go!!! couldn't charge my car up so I didn't race tonight but I went to watch. Alex Stole spent about 40 pence on me tonight he bought me a bottle of coke and twelve penceworth of sweets my arm's dead tired so I’m stopping.

Ok so... anyone else bored of the Fay thing yet? I know I am. The best bit of this particular episode of obsession in my opinion is the bit in parentheses... really? You hope she does? I would never have thought that, it's a good job you told us/yourself.

Radio controlled car racing was wicked, but I was let down by my battery charger a lot. I really vividly remember Alex Stowell (for that is how one actually spells his name) spending all that money on me. It's never really come back to me before I sit and write this but I really really remember it... how very strange. Oh and 28p for a bottle of coke, them weret' days.

Thursday 11th February 1988

guess what?! Fay and Julian are in love Fay must be going daft. I went to the doctors tonight and I can't go swimming tomorrow (thank goodness) because of my verucca. I was going to go with Julian so I’m glad I’m not going. Julian is going in the morning and Fay is going in the afternoon ha! ha! ha!

I think what we're beginning to piece together here is that I have no real concept of what love is and my grasp on what is actually happening in the world around me is tenuous. Oh and I had not yet quite got the hang of punctuation.

I hated swimming, I only learned when I was about this age and therefore the smell of chlorine made me nervous (and still causes butterflies to be honest, even though I’m a reasonable swimmer now... sort of). Quite what I did instead is another matter.

Oh and my vindictive side comes out once more. Didn't mention Valentine's day though did I?

Wednesday 10th February 1988

It's Andrew Quince's birthday today and Fay hasn't bought him a present ha! Ha! I think i'll stick with Boris and Oscar for the guinea pigs. 4 days to go. I've just had a brilliant plan I will write a valentines card to myself and pretend it's from someone else that will get my mum guessing. I hope Andrew gets drunk at his party and has a hangover tomorrow it will serve him right!

So jealous, so vindictive, so deluded.

'Brilliant plan'? Really? Is that really a brilliant plan? Is that even a plan? Do you think I even did it? And who am I trying to trick? Not the woman of my dreams who may become slightly intrigued by the fact I have a secret admirer? My best friend who may be jealous of the fact I have someone after me? Nope... my mum; the person in the world most likely to be able to spot the fact it was from me in the 1^st place. I sincerely hope that I am not still like this little dweeb in the most part.

And what do you think the chances of Andrew getting drunk at his 11^th birthday party were eh?

(on a very serious note here, Andrew died a few years back – we really got on at school and although I hadn't seen him since his brief spell working in the same factory in the summer of 97 it was still hard to hear of his untimely death, RIP chap.)